Letting Go.

I sat down with a pen and paper to jot down a few thoughts that are rolling around in my head. I found myself completely dissatisfied. So I opened up a word document and jotted them down there. Still no satisfaction. So now I am turning to my blog. I hope I find whatever release I am searching for here.

Have you ever experienced that moment in your life where you realize you need to let something go? Not necessarily "go" as in "gone forever". It could mean that you just need to let a certain aspect of it go. Such as the situation surrounding said object. Not necessarily the object itself. Confusing? I'll explain. Well, I'll sort of explain.

I was going through my text messages tonight. (Something I haven't done in forever, but was inspired to do tonight due to unrelenting boredom.) I decided to read through a thread from a certain boy from my past. He's from my past, but he's still a part of my present, too. I'm really not sure how detailed to get on here about this situation. I guess I'll play it by ear.

Going through those text stirred up so many emotions. The first emotion was happiness. It made me so happy to read these messages again and remember what it was like to receive them. I remembered how big the smile that would cross my face was. And it would totally stick. My grandparents were constantly asking me what was making me such a "happy girl", and I knew the answer was this boy. And how could I NOT be happy with texts like this coming in? (I'm going to share a few of the actual texts we exchanged.)

Him (before we actually met): I just want to say, for just talking with you on the phone, you're probably the most interesting and fun person I've had the pleasure of getting to know. I cannot wait for the day to actually finally meet you.

*

Him (after I asked what the status of our relationship was in his perspective): Ummm, I would have to say I would be a little upset if you were to go out with someone else. You're a good catch and I would imagine you have a ton of people vying for you affection.

*



This is a conversation that took place after I let him beat me at a game of Words With Friends:

Him: Trophy please. And what would the loser like? The loser is you, by the way, because you lost. Like just now.

Me: You're right. You're right. I lost. What would I like? You.

Him: Yeah, but you can't really get what you already have!

*

Him: Hell yeah, we do! We click like a broken jaw! We click like Dorothy's red heels!

*

Me: I have been thinking about you all morning! How are you holding up? Are you tired enough to regret last night yet?

Him: Nice, I don't think I stopped thinking about you when we hung up. Well, I didn't realize it was daylights saving time, so I really only got like 3 hours of sleep. But it was more than worth it.

*

Him: Good morning, gorgeous! How excited are you for today?

*

Him (When we were talking about how our relationship was going to be a long distance one): Well, I'm not above moving myself for the right person . . .

*

Him: I think we compliment each other in the best possible way. Like peanut butter and jelly.

Him (Same day): I'm serious. I really do think we are going to be so great together.

*

Me: Remember that scale we've set up? Well, you've moved from a 3 to a 7. And if that freaks you out, we should cool it for a bit.

Him: Yeah, a 7, huh? Hmmmm, why would I want to cool it? I'm standing right there with you.

*

Him: So, you're like really into me, huh?

Me: I'm really, really into you. I told you.

Him: Nice! Good, I like it that you are that into me because I am equally into you. I wasn't sure if I should say anything because I didn't want to spook and lose ya. You're a great catch.

*

Him: I'm not going anywhere, Cortney. You have me wrapped around your finger at this point. I don't plan on breaking your heart EVER! That's a promise.

*

Him: Good morning, baby girl.

*

Him: What are you up to?

Me: Reading an article that actually makes me think of you. ;)

Him: Ahh, Studs Weekly. A look at good looking studs across the US. Yeah, I could see how you're thinking of me.

Me: It's a study about cocky men and how bachelorhood only encourages their pompous and egotistical behavior. The only cure is to date a super awesome female. You. Are. Welcome.

Him: Really? Well, shit. That makes sense, too. I didn't realize you thought of me that way.

Me: Lol. You wanna know what I really think? I think I got so lucky that I'm almost scared to believe it. I scored. That's what I think.

Him: Phewwww. Haha. Well, it's a two way street. I feel about as lucky as I can feel. You're something else, Cortney. I'm glad I stumbled across you.

*

Me: You're cute just a tad.

Him: You're gorgeous just a ton . . .

*

Him (After I asked if he was attracted to me right away): I thought you were gorgeous from the get-go. It's grown ten fold as I get to know the girl behind the pretty face, though. I really, really, really like your personality. It fits me almost perfectly and that's what I like more than anything.

*

Him: I am very fortunate to have someone like you in my life. I'll be sure to never take you for granted. That would be a total loss for me.

*

Me: You better not pull a bait and switch on me. A big part of this attraction is how incredibly sweet you are. Not that I expect the "courting" stage to stay this "deep" forever, but I'm the type who can keep it going on some level forever.

Him: It will go on as long as it's appreciated and reciprocated, which you seem to have no problem doing. Who says puppy love can't last forever?

And that's all I'm going to share right now. I seriously think you get the point. For the record, it wasn't all cheese. But I loved it when it was.

Reading that last text exchange is where realization hit me, and I went from feeling happiness to deep sorrow. That part of this relationship is what I've been holding on to. And I realized in that moment that it's gone. Probably for good. It's time for me to let it go. But it's more than just that aspect of our relationship that is gone. We've lost some crucial pieces.

Blame it on unfortunate timing.

Blame it on thyroid problems and hormone changes.

Blame it on insecurities and fear of commitment.

Blame it on "backup plans".

Ultimately it doesn't matter what you blame it on. The facts are still the facts. I pushed until he left.

I have to let it go.