Best Sisters Ever!

I want to share a few songs that Zach showed me recently.

This first one is a beautiful song, but the real beauty is in the lyrics. It's one of those songs that tells a story. And it's . . . well . . . just listen to it.

	Nickel Creek - The Lighthouse's Tale .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Sad.

This next one is one of my most favorite songs right now. I had never heard of The Dirty Heads before, but I like them. A lot of their songs are good. :)

	Dirty Heads - Lonely One .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Here is another good one by them . . .

	Dirty Heads - Check The Level [Explicit] .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

My sisters and I took a few pictures to send to our brother who is currently on his mission. This is what we came up with.

Haha! I have the best sisters ever!

I'm. Cold.

	Kimbra - Settle Down .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

It's snowing. :( I know it's only April, and that snow is very much the norm for this time of year, but I'm still bummed out. It was SO nice all last week. I hope it warms up again by next weekend so that I don't freeze while Zach and I are camping out. Which we are apparently going to do most nights because he's bringing his dog.

Whom he really loves.

I don't think he'll ever love me as much as he loves that dog.

How long do dogs live again??

(Just playin', Zach!)

(But seriously, it needs to warm up or else you're going to be holding me all night! And you're gonna love it!) ;)

I've only been at work for two hours and I am already ready to go home. I didn't work out this morning. I decided to "sleep in" (until 6). Then I got here and ate a cookie. Ugh. Now I feel the urge to run and burn off this sugar. Maybe I'll go in the back and do some jumping jacks or something. Butt kicks, maybe? I've got a major sugar rush going on. Also . . . the sugar is going to break my skin out. Some people claim that's a myth, but for me it's not. Sugar breaks my skin out. Hence the reason I RARELY eat it. It's really only worth it if it's in the form of dark chocolate.

True story.

I'm sitting at work praying that nobody walks in for at least another two minutes or so because Lily Allen's "F*** You" just came on my iPod and I don't want to go change it. It's FREEZING back there! Because it's SNOWING! (Did I already mention that load of crap?) But can you imagine if someone walked in while this song was playing??

"Hi, how are you this morning?"

                   ("F*** you, F*** you, F*** you very muuuuuch.")

Ugh. I need to go change it.

Okay. Song changed. I know I shouldn't even have that crap on my iPod, but it's catchy!

Alright. Sitting here doing this is going to lead to my death via hypothermia. I've got to keep moving!!

The Countdown Begins!

It's been a crazy week! I'm glad it's coming to an end. I'm also glad that Zach and I will be getting our cuddles on by this time next week! It's been a little rocky, but I think we're going to pull through. Haha. ;) The countdown begins!

Aubrey and I took a photo. I'm going to post it - though, I don't know why. It's not a very good one of either of us, but for some reason I really like it. :)

Okay. I take that comment back. It IS a good picture of Aubrey. My little sister is so cute. <3

I also said that I was going to post a picture of my new speakers at some point. Well . . . here they are:

See what I mean about them being sort of masculine? They glow this crazy blue color. But they sound great, so . . . I'll take it! :) (Ignore that my clock looks completely ridiculous on that wall. That's what happens when you move your stuff into a house someone ELSE decorated first. Purple paint with my pretty maroon and gold clock? Gross.)

Mr. Sandman, bring me a treeeaaat!

I of course have someone in mind when I sing that song. ;)

Yesterday, Aubrey and I were hanging out in the yard tanning and we were listening to Aub's iPod. We had turned it on in the family room with the surround sound (or . . . "surround around" as my mom calls it) and then left the doors open. Anyway, a version of the song "Mr. Sandman" came on. Just as it got to the chorus, Hailee appeared in the doorway and sang along.

        "Mr. Sandman, bring me a treeeaaat!"

Aubrey and I look at each other.

"Did you just say 'Mr. Sandman bring me a TREAT?'"

        "Yeah, why? What does it say? . . . Drink?"

Aubrey and I couldn't stop laughing. We literally laughed until we cried. It's even more hilarious if you happen to know Hailee.

Dear, precious Hailee. :)

After we told her the real words she announced that she preferred her lyrics, and the next time that part of the song came on, she sang,

       "Mr. Sandman (bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum) bring me a treeeaaat! You know that IIIIII like to eat!"

:) Good thing I wasn't wearing makeup yesterday.

Sunny Day!

	Bat For Lashes - Sleep Alone .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

THE SUN WAS OUT TODAY!! I believe it was 72 degrees out. And my sister and I took full advantage, laying out on a blanket in the yard with our shorts and . . . bras. Haha. I'm still pretty tan from my Florida trip (plus the four times I've been in a bed this month), but I still got a little pink. We were out there for about two hours, so I guess that makes sense. :)

I watched the movie "Jack and Jill" with Adam Sandler last night. Hilarious.

I have been under a lot of stress this past month, and my body can't decide whether it wants to be happy or depressed. I feel fine, but I take a nap every afternoon. And usually that's a sign that I'm bumming about something. Like I said -- I'm stressed. I've decided to take a few days to reset. Hopefully I'll come out the other end completely back to normal and out of "crazy town".

That pretty much concludes my thoughts for the day. I guess I could add that I really, really need May to get here. Fast.

A little . . . Inspiration??

Gotye Feat Kimbra - Gotye Feat Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know

Powered by mp3skull.com

That song is apparently number 1 in the nation right now. I honestly HATED it when I first heard it. It was like an unwanted flashback to the 80's (and I just wasn't ready to have music head back in that direction yet). But after sitting down and being forced to listen to it (my mom LOVES it), I listened to the lyrics and my attitude towards the song completely changed. Now I can admit that I really love it. Beautiful lyrics.

I got new speakers for my computer so I no longer have to use my headphones to listen to music anymore. :) The speakers are pretty awesome and they came with a subwoofer. I bought them because I had to buy a camera for my computer to Skype with my boy. I figured . . . What the heck! I may as well get speakers, too! And it was a good choice. :) I'll have to post pictures of them sometime. They are sort of masculine, but I dig them regardless.

Did I mention that I got pulled over yesterday morning? I don't think I did mention that. Well . . . I got pulled over for speeding yesterday morning. NO TICKET THOUGH! Woohoo! I was freaking out because I was going about 10 over. I'm not sure how much of a ticket that would merit, but I wasn't really too curious to find out. I'm glad that the guy just let me go. That's twice I've been pulled over in about a year's time. Yikes. Luckily I have nothing on my driving record since I was 15. So . . . I guess it's gone altogether now . . . ???

My picture editing program closed down yesterday. :( Now I'm going to be stuck posting pictures of me "raw" until I can track down another one I like. I've been searching for awhile, but haven't found anything. Does anyone know of a good one?? Here is the last picture I edited with my program. It's just cropped and has a texture over it.

Seriously . . . if anyone knows of a good editing program, please leave a comment or shoot me an email. CortneyLee.2338@yahoo.com. You all saw my webcam photos. Now you understand why I enjoy editing my photos. And occasionally letting my siblings do it for me. Which usually turns out pretty comical. They usually edit me to the point that I'm thinking, hmmm . . . You obviously think  I need a LOT of work. Haha. Oh well.

Here are a couple of pictures that either inspired me or humored me in some way in the past few days. I figure I'll share. :)

Let's talk nails and books!

I went in and had my nails done again. They were chipping, which was odd because they are supposed to last for two weeks or more, but mine had started chipping after only 5 days. I was thinking that maybe I was just extra hard on my nails because of how badly they were chipped (I had the nail tech who put them on touch them up just two days ago and they had already chipped again). Anyway, the owner of the salon told me to come in so she could do them herself and as she was doing them, I realized exactly why I had problems before. Joey (the owner of Total Image Salon) put on 3 layers of the red color, two of the glitter/clear coat and then a top coat. The girl who had done them initially only put one coat of each. Hence the reason they had chipped so fast. Good news is, now the girl can be told what it is she did wrong (in her defense -- she's new. She's actually awesome -- my nails were beautiful. And now that she knows what she's doing, I'll gladly go to her again) and I'm sure her Shellac nails will turn out just as good as Joey's. :)

Here are a couple of pics of my newest nails . . .

I love! :)

The best part about the Shellac nails is that they don't use tips. They just put it over your natural nail, so I think it looks more natural than acrylic nails because your nails aren't perfectly uniform. I mean -- I guess you could have them file them perfectly uniform if you preferred, but I actually prefer them looking a little less "perfect".

I bought a couple of books today. I'm really addicted to books by Child and Preston right now. I started with reading Still Life With Crows, which is actually book four of the Agent Pendergast series. Not that you have to go in order, but it does help a little. I remember reading Cabinet of Curiosities when I was in High School, and I LOVED it! It's number three in the Agent Pendergast series, so I'm going to read again after I finish The Reliquary (which is a direct sequel to The Relic -- which is the first Pendergast book.) Is this all sounding a little nerdy? Maybe. But I don't care. Haha. I also have read a couple of books by Kate Morton lately. And I really enjoyed them, too. I'd recommend those two (three, I guess, eh?) authors if you enjoy reading. Their styles are completely different. Child and Preston's books are more of psychological/paranormal thrillers while Kate Morton's books are more of easy-going mysteries. Both are great!

Dark Chocolate? Oh yes!

Two really amazing things happened to me today. The first was dark chocolate with almonds and sea salt (mmm . . . amazing!) and the second was an amazing facial at Total Image Salon. I'm honestly not sure which was better. The only way either experience could have been more incredible is if they had happened simultaneously. Haha. Maybe I can arrange that for next week . . . ??? :)

It's only 8:22 and I am thinking about hitting my pillow already. I'm not sure what Zach is up to tonight. I haven't heard from him since this afternoon, but it's his weekend, so he's probably out having a good time and I'm the farthest thing from his mind right now. We'll probably have to catch up tomorrow because I'm thinking about curling up with my book and heading to bed . . . right . . . now. :)

Random Miracle.

Okay - the most amazing thing just happened to me at work and it completely snapped me out of my little funk. (Isn't it crazy how one little action can completely turn your world upside down or back to normal again??)

Anyway -- here is the story:

I was opening at Subway, so I'm there by myself when a guy comes in. I've seen him before and I've not been able to help but notice that he is a cute guy. He has nearly black hair and really dark eyes (which happens to be a combination that I'm a bit of a sucker for -- hence the reason I'm with a guy who has that exact same sexy thing going on. PLUS he's got the personality. I really am a lucky girl!) Anyway, he comes in and orders a breakfast sandwich. About halfway through it, I drop the egg on the floor. I smile, apologize, pick it up, throw it away and fetch a new one, only to end up dropping the new one on the floor too. I threw my head back and gave out a frustrated laugh and apologized again. I tried to keep my cool on the outside, but on the inside I was saying all sorts of profane and inappropriate things.

Anyway, I finally get his sandwich completed, hand it to him and he decides to stay in the store to eat. He sits at a booth in the back and I carry on with business; running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get caught up (I was a little late to work this a.m.). I was feeling pretty stressed out and thinking about how I really didn't want to be there until 4 -- I wanted to go home early -- when that guy comes back to the counter. I figured he was going to ask for a napkin or something, but much to my surprise . . . this is how the conversation went:

(Him): Excuse me. I've been sitting at my table watching you, and I don't want to come across as a creeper, but I really feel I need to tell you something. (Then he sort of hesitated before saying):  . . . I've been watching you work, and you seem kinda stressed. Are you stressed?

(Me): (Head nod) Yeah . . . I'm pretty stressed. Is it that obvious? That's not good . . .

(Him): Well . . . I was at my table, watching you and thinking that you are very beautiful when all of a sudden the Spirit urged me to get up and tell you. I fought it for about 15 minutes, but it was too strong and I really got the impression that I needed to actually tell you that.

(I was speechless and couldn't say anything. I'm sure I had a really dumb expression on my face, too.)

(Him): I'm sorry if that creeps you out. Maybe you aren't LDS and so that sentence was really creepy and doesn't make sense . . .?

(Me): No -- I am LDS. I understand perfectly what you are saying.

(Him): Okay, cool! Well . . . For whatever reason, the spirit told me that I need to actually let you know that I think you are very beautiful.

I thanked him and we exchanged names. (His name is Ethan). Then we shook hands and he left. The moment he walked out of the store, I burst into tears. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. And for some reason, that simple little act completely pulled me from my funk. I've been feeling so ugly and insecure and it hit me that maybe it's only me who is seeing me as this ugly blob right now. Not that I all of a sudden think I'm gorgeous -- I know I've got some work ahead of me, but it made me realize that I'm not as hideous as I've been believing.

Isn't it amazing the way the Spirit works?? It's a miracle. And I feel so GREAT! Bring it on . . . I'M BACK! Woohoo!! :) I can't WAIT to talk to my boy now. Because I think things are finally going to be fine. And if they don't end up okay, well then . . . things will still be okay because I'm not hideous!! Hahaha!

Smile. :)

Alright. I'm off to work. But I would give anything to just be able to crawl back into bed and sleep forever. I am so stressed and the worst part of it is, it's all hormonal, so there isn't anything I can really do to fix it until this whole process is over. Just one more week. I just need to get through one more week with all the pieces of my life still in tact. Then I'll be normal again and everything will be fine.

I hate not feeling like myself. Is there any worse feeling? Seriously. I don't think so. I've been stressed and paranoid . . . grumpy and depressed. None of those traits are mine by nature.

I'm scared I'm going to lose my boy over it. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't let myself fall for him so hard, but I did . . . and now he's seeing a side to me that doesn't really exist. I'm scared he's going to "wake up" and "realize" he isn't into me, but if that happens, it won't really be me he isn't in to. I don't want to lose him over something that isn't even real. The "me" he spent a few months getting to know is the real me. I'll just have to prove it to him when he comes to visit in May.

I've got so many friends trying to analyze my relationship with Zach. And no one really gives me positive feedback. It hurts! I feel like maybe I'm not describing the situation quite right. So I finally gave up talking to anyone about it at all. And that hurts, too. Hence the reason I blog about it so much. I just really, really care about this one. I don't want to screw it up, but I feel like I already have. I am SO mad at myself for spending Easter with Daniel. Even though it was totally innocent, nothing has been the same with Z since then. He's been "out". He doesn't send the adorable, flirty texts that he used to. He misses our dates pretty often (but I don't think he even realizes it). Simply put: He doesn't seem as in to me as he was. And I guess that's totally fair.

My fault.

If I wasn't in the place I am right now, I'd be better equipped to ride it out and see what happens, but it's like I need those things from him right now more than I would normally. I need him to go through the actions as well as just say the words (that he still feels the same about me as he always has).

Like I said -- One more week and then I'll be fine. I've just got to keep it together until then. I can still fix this.

Thank heavens this is the very last time I have to go through this crap with my thyroid. I don't think I could handle it again. It blows.

Alright -- I'm putting a big ol' smile on my face and heading to work. :D

Since you care . . .

Okay -- the goal today is to stay so busy that I don't have time to think about anything besides what I'm doing. This is going to be challenging since I'm really good at thinking while performing any activity. But I'm going to give it a whirl anyway.

It would appear that my life has become a bit of a soap opera for some of my readers. I actually got an email asking if I would please update my blog and tell what the outcome with Zach and I was so that they could know because they are "dying".

Ummm . . . . ?????

I keep saying I need to start a private blog and then I don't do it. I don't have time to get one set up right now. Then again -- maybe that would be a good distraction today . . .???

If you really must know, dear reader . . . things with Zach are fine. Or they will be. Whatever. I don't think we broke up, so we're good. I'm sure I did plenty of damage yesterday (we fought all day), but hopefully he has forgiven me (I have forgiven him) and we can get back on with our lives.

Sorry -- I know that's a little less . . .  well . . . less than you were hoping for. But it is what it is.

You know what I miss? I miss drinking those green tea drinks by Green Tea HP. They are awesome and I haven't had one in a long time. Well . . . that's not true. I stopped by the mall stand yesterday and got a free one, but I miss drinking them regularly. They are delicious. And amazing. My skin was awesome while I was on them. Problem is, they are a little over $90 for a month's supply. Yikes. That's steep. I guess I'll have to stick with my regular green tea for now. (Maybe I'll get some next weekend. Haha.)

I'm a Mess.

My boy and I had our first real fight today. And it was ugly. I turned to a couple of friends for advice, and the advice I got wasn't very encouraging.

One friend pointed out that he "doesn't treat (me) very good" and "doesn't handle problems very well". She also pointed out that he is putting me second to games (like . . . football, etc.) and that that will only get worse with time. Which freaked me out because I was ALWAYS second to video games with my husband. And it hurt. And I don't want to go through that again.

So now I don't know what to do. I really want to stick this out, but at the same time, I don't want to get hurt again. Especially not in the same ways as I was hurt before.

Btw -- let me just clarify that my friend who said Z doesn't treat me very good was referring to the times that he has stood me up for our dates because a game was on. It was annoying, but it never really bothered me until last night. That was the first time that I got a real taste of what my life could be like if it continued. (Which -- my friend assures me it WILL continue. She says that if he makes games a priority now . . . he always will -- that a game will always take precedence over whatever issues we may need to be addressing and over any time that we should be spending together. Is she right??)

So now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to gainfully and constructively approach the subject without seeming needy or dramatic. I hate that. I used to be an excellent communicator, but I lost those skills during my marriage. He would always get pissed if I tried to talk through anything because he was NOT a great communicator. He couldn't adequately explain what he was feeling, so he'd just end up frustrated. It got to the point where if I felt anything negative and tried to address it before it could fester into a real problem, he'd blow up and "dump" me (threaten divorce). So the result is -- now I expect the worst when I'm feeling like something is wrong. I expect the guy to blow up and leave. So I feel the need to do it first. And then I get super depressed because it isn't what I want, but at least if I do it first I still feel like I have a little bit of control over the situation and it hurts just a little less (though . . . I regret it more).

Ugh. I'm a mess.

I'm not going to listen to my friends. I think I'm just going to take a chance here and stick it out. Maybe I am being stupid, but I can't keep trying to prevent getting hurt or else I'll be alone forever. Well -- not "alone". I have plenty of guys I could casually text, but is that really satisfying? Okay, okay . . . maybe sometimes I think it is, but ultimately it isn't what I want -- and I know that -- or else I wouldn't agree to date anyone exclusively. What I want is for this to work with Zach. I'm hoping we can work this out.

Okay -- on to happier subjects.

I went shopping today!! It was a blast. I just let loose and let myself drop a few hundred dollars (which is completely uncharacteristic of me). But it was incredibly therapeutic. I spoiled myself with things I probably wouldn't buy myself normally. I got a pair of flat shoes (which were kind of a necessity, actually), a straightener, some makeup, some special socks to go with the shoes, and some perfume. So really all I splurged on was the perfume. It alone was $90. But it's awesome!! :)

I ran into my beautiful bestie, Miriam. I haven't seen her since the day after I got home from Florida, so it was nice running into her. :) She's great.

Okay -- I think I'm going to go take a shower before Zach and I talk. Peace and Love!

Web Cam??!!

Okay . . . today I discovered that I can take pictures with my parents web cam. I know that that probably should have been a no-brainer . . . but I didn't realize I could use it as more than just a video cam. I had a little fun. I'll let the pictures tell the story. Since these aren't edited in any way, you'll just have to ignore my flaws. :)