!!!!!

I finally got some sleep. Sort of. I had to take a pill for it, though. Ugh. Even so, it only knocked me out for 4 hours and then I had to fight to go back to sleep.

My mom came in and talked to me. We spent about 30 minutes analyzing my issues. Haha. We decided that this insomnia is what my mom calls "good stress induced". I'm stressed because I know Zach is coming and I feel completely unprepared for this visit. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grip on a lot of things. But, as my mom puts it, it's a good thing because it's keeping me on my toes and I'm pushing myself. I think she's right. I do think that's what's up. I feel like there's so much to do that I don't really have time for sleep!

But I think I'm in the dog house with Z anyway, so who knows what will happen. I spent Easter weekend with my friend, Daniel. We just hung out (as we've done multiple times before), but Dan and I used to date, and Zach knows it, so it bothers him a little bit.

I'm not trying to make Zach out to sound like an ass (because he's by far the sweetest boy I've ever met), but the thing is . . . he has the same thing going with one of his friends. She and he used to date and now they are just friends. I guess the difference is . . . Daniel likes me still and I know it. And I realize that's a big difference.

I talked to Becky last night and she said something that hit me hard. It actually put me in tears. Not like, body-shaking sobs, but subtle tears. (I'm not a crier, sorry . . .) She said, "If it upsets Zach, why would you spend even on second with Daniel?" I said, "Because we're just friends and I should be allowed to have friends. To which she responded with, "But why would you blow things with your "forever" for one of the many "here and nows"??"

I sat up for quite a while last night thinking about that and I realized exactly why I would gamble with that. It's because Daniel is safe. I like Daniel, but not the same way I like Zach. Not even close. Daniel can't hurt me. Zach could literally destroy me. And I hate, hate, hate being that vulnerable! That pain is too recent in my past for me to just "jump" like Zach would like me to. I'm still trying, though. Shouldn't that count for something???

This is pretty heavy stuff for a public blog. I really need to start a private one. But it's not going to happen right now. Right now I'm going to get my Yoga on and try to get back to some sort of "normal" routine. I can't keep beating myself up wondering if I still have a boyfriend or if he is dumping me so I can run away with what he calls "plan B". Ugh. There is no "plan B". Just Plan A. Provided he still feels the same.

Yoga, I need you.