I'm a Mess.

My boy and I had our first real fight today. And it was ugly. I turned to a couple of friends for advice, and the advice I got wasn't very encouraging.

One friend pointed out that he "doesn't treat (me) very good" and "doesn't handle problems very well". She also pointed out that he is putting me second to games (like . . . football, etc.) and that that will only get worse with time. Which freaked me out because I was ALWAYS second to video games with my husband. And it hurt. And I don't want to go through that again.

So now I don't know what to do. I really want to stick this out, but at the same time, I don't want to get hurt again. Especially not in the same ways as I was hurt before.

Btw -- let me just clarify that my friend who said Z doesn't treat me very good was referring to the times that he has stood me up for our dates because a game was on. It was annoying, but it never really bothered me until last night. That was the first time that I got a real taste of what my life could be like if it continued. (Which -- my friend assures me it WILL continue. She says that if he makes games a priority now . . . he always will -- that a game will always take precedence over whatever issues we may need to be addressing and over any time that we should be spending together. Is she right??)

So now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to gainfully and constructively approach the subject without seeming needy or dramatic. I hate that. I used to be an excellent communicator, but I lost those skills during my marriage. He would always get pissed if I tried to talk through anything because he was NOT a great communicator. He couldn't adequately explain what he was feeling, so he'd just end up frustrated. It got to the point where if I felt anything negative and tried to address it before it could fester into a real problem, he'd blow up and "dump" me (threaten divorce). So the result is -- now I expect the worst when I'm feeling like something is wrong. I expect the guy to blow up and leave. So I feel the need to do it first. And then I get super depressed because it isn't what I want, but at least if I do it first I still feel like I have a little bit of control over the situation and it hurts just a little less (though . . . I regret it more).

Ugh. I'm a mess.

I'm not going to listen to my friends. I think I'm just going to take a chance here and stick it out. Maybe I am being stupid, but I can't keep trying to prevent getting hurt or else I'll be alone forever. Well -- not "alone". I have plenty of guys I could casually text, but is that really satisfying? Okay, okay . . . maybe sometimes I think it is, but ultimately it isn't what I want -- and I know that -- or else I wouldn't agree to date anyone exclusively. What I want is for this to work with Zach. I'm hoping we can work this out.

Okay -- on to happier subjects.

I went shopping today!! It was a blast. I just let loose and let myself drop a few hundred dollars (which is completely uncharacteristic of me). But it was incredibly therapeutic. I spoiled myself with things I probably wouldn't buy myself normally. I got a pair of flat shoes (which were kind of a necessity, actually), a straightener, some makeup, some special socks to go with the shoes, and some perfume. So really all I splurged on was the perfume. It alone was $90. But it's awesome!! :)

I ran into my beautiful bestie, Miriam. I haven't seen her since the day after I got home from Florida, so it was nice running into her. :) She's great.

Okay -- I think I'm going to go take a shower before Zach and I talk. Peace and Love!