Do you guys ever have those moments where all of the "elements" align just right and whip you back to another place and time when things were completely different -- better even? That has happened to me twice on this trip.
The first time it happened to me was the day I got here. I opened up a new stick of deodorant (yeah . . . haha). It's a kind I used to use in high school, but haven't used since then, and I was immediately transported back in time to my bedroom. I'm sitting on my bed listening to Limp Bizkit and playing The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask with my friend Brian. I must have been really happy then, because I was totally at peace while this memory flooded over me. Even though that emotion was strong, it wasn't as strong as the second time it happened to me.
This second time occurred last night. And it was far more intense. I'm not entirely convinced that I didn't, in fact, travel back in time for a moment. Here's what happened:
I was lying on my bed, enjoying the mild heat and listening to my iPod. I had just applied some lotion that I used all summer long this past year, so naturally the smell reminds me of last summer. I was lying down, enjoying the way the warm air felt and enjoying the perfume of my lotion when a certain song came on my iPod. This part is hard to explain. But I was instantly transported back in time to last summer. I'm lying on my bed and my phone rings. The ringtone is the song that has come on my iPod -- it's also the ringtone I have set for the guy I'm dating at the time.
Now -- I LOVED it when this boy would call. We would talk and laugh for hours, and he was a fantastic flirt. We didn't get to see each other too often, so these phone calls pretty much were our relationship for the most part.
So, now I'm sitting on my bed, it's near the Fourth of July, 2011, and this boy is calling me, and I'm feeling ALL of the familiar emotions that have made up the summer of 2011. I feel happy and excited . . . there's really so many emotions going on, but I can't even begin to describe them. (Partly because it's early yet, and I'm not quite fully awake, but also because there simply are no words to describe them all -- which is really a shame.)
Anyway. Once I opened my eyes, the illusion dissolved and I was left in my bed here in the present. But for those few moments, I swear I was in heaven. I had forgotten how much I had cared about that boy. It's really crazy to me how powerful this whole experience was. And it's a little frustrating to me that I'm doing such an inadequate job of explaining it.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that before the memory has had time to fade. Not that I would have done any worse of a job describing it. Haha. There's another thing that's been on my mind all night. Do any of you ever invent problems where there are none in your relationships? I do this ALL the time. Ever since I was married to someone who was . . . probably bi-polar, honestly. I never knew whether I could relax and be myself, or if I should walk on eggshells to avoid pissing him off. And since the simplest of things could trigger his anger, I'm conditioned to expect that all the time now. It wasn't even that it triggered his "anger" per se, because he wasn't really an (outwardly) angry person. I would just trigger his "wall". He'd shut me out completely and I'd feel abandoned and hurt. So now I have this habit of freaking out if I think I've said the wrong thing or done the wrong thing.
I kind of had a day like that yesterday, which is absurd for many reasons. It was just one of those days where the conversation seemed to keep heading in "treacherous" waters (which was COMPLETELY my fault IF it even was heading that direction -- it may have just been my imagination and he may have been completely cool with it.) Anyway, when stuff like that happens, I have this completely irrational desire to jump ship and bail. Even though NOTHING has even happened. This is something I'm really going to have to work on. This, too, is really hard to explain. Basically what was happening was, the conversation was getting a little "heavy" for the point our relationship is at. And I felt like it was doing damage. And since I'm used to not being forgiven for mistakes, I get this idea that once this damage is done, it's permanent and there's no going back. BUT . . . there may not have even been any damage done because this boy is probably NORMAL and not the kind who's going to hate me for talking about feelings and emotions and my inadequacies.
Do any of you know what I'm talking about? Do you have any similar things? You can email me, if you'd like. I'd love to know I'm not alone.
Alright -- I missed my walk this morning, so I really need to go get my yoga on. Have a good day, everyone!
The first time it happened to me was the day I got here. I opened up a new stick of deodorant (yeah . . . haha). It's a kind I used to use in high school, but haven't used since then, and I was immediately transported back in time to my bedroom. I'm sitting on my bed listening to Limp Bizkit and playing The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask with my friend Brian. I must have been really happy then, because I was totally at peace while this memory flooded over me. Even though that emotion was strong, it wasn't as strong as the second time it happened to me.
This second time occurred last night. And it was far more intense. I'm not entirely convinced that I didn't, in fact, travel back in time for a moment. Here's what happened:
I was lying on my bed, enjoying the mild heat and listening to my iPod. I had just applied some lotion that I used all summer long this past year, so naturally the smell reminds me of last summer. I was lying down, enjoying the way the warm air felt and enjoying the perfume of my lotion when a certain song came on my iPod. This part is hard to explain. But I was instantly transported back in time to last summer. I'm lying on my bed and my phone rings. The ringtone is the song that has come on my iPod -- it's also the ringtone I have set for the guy I'm dating at the time.
Now -- I LOVED it when this boy would call. We would talk and laugh for hours, and he was a fantastic flirt. We didn't get to see each other too often, so these phone calls pretty much were our relationship for the most part.
So, now I'm sitting on my bed, it's near the Fourth of July, 2011, and this boy is calling me, and I'm feeling ALL of the familiar emotions that have made up the summer of 2011. I feel happy and excited . . . there's really so many emotions going on, but I can't even begin to describe them. (Partly because it's early yet, and I'm not quite fully awake, but also because there simply are no words to describe them all -- which is really a shame.)
Anyway. Once I opened my eyes, the illusion dissolved and I was left in my bed here in the present. But for those few moments, I swear I was in heaven. I had forgotten how much I had cared about that boy. It's really crazy to me how powerful this whole experience was. And it's a little frustrating to me that I'm doing such an inadequate job of explaining it.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that before the memory has had time to fade. Not that I would have done any worse of a job describing it. Haha. There's another thing that's been on my mind all night. Do any of you ever invent problems where there are none in your relationships? I do this ALL the time. Ever since I was married to someone who was . . . probably bi-polar, honestly. I never knew whether I could relax and be myself, or if I should walk on eggshells to avoid pissing him off. And since the simplest of things could trigger his anger, I'm conditioned to expect that all the time now. It wasn't even that it triggered his "anger" per se, because he wasn't really an (outwardly) angry person. I would just trigger his "wall". He'd shut me out completely and I'd feel abandoned and hurt. So now I have this habit of freaking out if I think I've said the wrong thing or done the wrong thing.
I kind of had a day like that yesterday, which is absurd for many reasons. It was just one of those days where the conversation seemed to keep heading in "treacherous" waters (which was COMPLETELY my fault IF it even was heading that direction -- it may have just been my imagination and he may have been completely cool with it.) Anyway, when stuff like that happens, I have this completely irrational desire to jump ship and bail. Even though NOTHING has even happened. This is something I'm really going to have to work on. This, too, is really hard to explain. Basically what was happening was, the conversation was getting a little "heavy" for the point our relationship is at. And I felt like it was doing damage. And since I'm used to not being forgiven for mistakes, I get this idea that once this damage is done, it's permanent and there's no going back. BUT . . . there may not have even been any damage done because this boy is probably NORMAL and not the kind who's going to hate me for talking about feelings and emotions and my inadequacies.
Do any of you know what I'm talking about? Do you have any similar things? You can email me, if you'd like. I'd love to know I'm not alone.
Alright -- I missed my walk this morning, so I really need to go get my yoga on. Have a good day, everyone!
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