I don't think I'm done venting today. Not yet. I have a little more to say.
Today has not been the greatest day. I'm drowsy and fatigued and I realized . . . maybe a little tiny bit depressed. Not like, "I'm going to cut myself" depressed, but definitely bummed. Why? Because of the situation with my boy (and the lack of adequate sleep doesn't help). I still haven't really heard from him and it's killing me.
Here's what's up: I know he's coming on May 4th (still . . .???), so I have dropped nearly $400 (and I'm a saver, not a spender) at a salon having things done like tanning, microderm abrasion facials (to ensure my skin stays clear and healthy) and something called Shellac nails (it's just gel over your natural nail so it strengthens them and they grow/don't break). I'm NOT the overly primpy/girly type! And Zach doesn't even like those kinds of girls (I guess) so why am I freaking out and doing all of these things? It's because I'm sooo nervous. The fear of him hurting me is coming out as some sort of physical insecurity. It's bizarre . . . and no matter how hard I try, I can't analyze it. I have no idea why I think doing all of these things is going to prevent any type of negative result. I mean, if the guy is going to get over me, he's going to get over me.
I hate this. How can one experience leave someone so damaged?? Maybe I should seek out some sort of support group??? Haha. Seriously, though . . . it's crazy. I was told today that I'm "like a man" because I sometimes daydream about the prospect of just casually dating people, getting what I want and need from them without having to have any type of emotional commitment or having to spend any emotional energy. It's like my emotional energy bank is still totally drained. Will that recover, ever??
And then it makes me wonder this painful question: Do I even deserve to try to recover? Do I even deserve to have somebody wait around and take an emotional beating while I go through my "ins" and "outs" and little freak-outs??
I'm not trying to be cocky . . . but this is true: When I meet a guy, one of the first things he usually asks me is how I'm still single. He'll make some comment about me having a lot of talent and having a great personality/being smart. And instantly I know the answer. It's because I'm so damaged. Because I don't. trust. men.
Up until about two months ago, I hadn't even found anyone that made me want to TRY and change that. Now I have, and I'm stumbling. Is it fair to keep him while I go through this? Of course, I would have to put SOMEONE through this if I ever wanted to be in a serious relationship again. Which, if this one dies, I'll go back to saying I never intend to get married again. I honestly felt that way up until a month ago. It's crazy how one person can completely change the way you think on issues like that.
I'm scared.
And I hate that.
Do any of my readers know what I mean? Have you experienced anything like it? Did you recover? And if so, HOW??
Zach and I have a "meeting" tonight around 7:30 and I don't know what scares me more: The thought that he'll show up and dump me, or the thought that he won't show up at all . . .
Today has not been the greatest day. I'm drowsy and fatigued and I realized . . . maybe a little tiny bit depressed. Not like, "I'm going to cut myself" depressed, but definitely bummed. Why? Because of the situation with my boy (and the lack of adequate sleep doesn't help). I still haven't really heard from him and it's killing me.
Here's what's up: I know he's coming on May 4th (still . . .???), so I have dropped nearly $400 (and I'm a saver, not a spender) at a salon having things done like tanning, microderm abrasion facials (to ensure my skin stays clear and healthy) and something called Shellac nails (it's just gel over your natural nail so it strengthens them and they grow/don't break). I'm NOT the overly primpy/girly type! And Zach doesn't even like those kinds of girls (I guess) so why am I freaking out and doing all of these things? It's because I'm sooo nervous. The fear of him hurting me is coming out as some sort of physical insecurity. It's bizarre . . . and no matter how hard I try, I can't analyze it. I have no idea why I think doing all of these things is going to prevent any type of negative result. I mean, if the guy is going to get over me, he's going to get over me.
I hate this. How can one experience leave someone so damaged?? Maybe I should seek out some sort of support group??? Haha. Seriously, though . . . it's crazy. I was told today that I'm "like a man" because I sometimes daydream about the prospect of just casually dating people, getting what I want and need from them without having to have any type of emotional commitment or having to spend any emotional energy. It's like my emotional energy bank is still totally drained. Will that recover, ever??
And then it makes me wonder this painful question: Do I even deserve to try to recover? Do I even deserve to have somebody wait around and take an emotional beating while I go through my "ins" and "outs" and little freak-outs??
I'm not trying to be cocky . . . but this is true: When I meet a guy, one of the first things he usually asks me is how I'm still single. He'll make some comment about me having a lot of talent and having a great personality/being smart. And instantly I know the answer. It's because I'm so damaged. Because I don't. trust. men.
Up until about two months ago, I hadn't even found anyone that made me want to TRY and change that. Now I have, and I'm stumbling. Is it fair to keep him while I go through this? Of course, I would have to put SOMEONE through this if I ever wanted to be in a serious relationship again. Which, if this one dies, I'll go back to saying I never intend to get married again. I honestly felt that way up until a month ago. It's crazy how one person can completely change the way you think on issues like that.
I'm scared.
And I hate that.
Do any of my readers know what I mean? Have you experienced anything like it? Did you recover? And if so, HOW??
Zach and I have a "meeting" tonight around 7:30 and I don't know what scares me more: The thought that he'll show up and dump me, or the thought that he won't show up at all . . .
(Shellac Nails)
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